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6. Develop a support system.
When they fall in love, many couples think they don’t need anybody but each other. In the long run this usually turns out to be untrue. Maintaining a good relationship is difficult enough that most couples who stay together need a lot of support along the way. This may come from their friends or family. But it can also come from groups or organizations that reflect their deepest values.
Some couples develop a support system naturally. They have large and close families, or they’re naturally outgoing and make friends easily. If you haven’t found a support system this way, you may be able to develop one by making an extra effort to reach out to others. Sometimes you can find support by getting involved in a community group such as a parents’ organization, a religious organization, or an athletic team. It’s also helpful to take the first step to reach out to others — for example, by organizing a block party or inviting a coworker who’s new to town to have dinner with you and your family.
7. Handle disagreements constructively.
Even in the strongest relationships, it isn’t usually possible — or healthy – to try to avoid all disagreements. A desire to avoid conflict can lead couples to ignore problems until they become too big to handle. A healthy argument can help to clear the air and clarify different points of view.
Since it’s impossible to avoid all arguments, it is important to deal constructively with your differences. This means avoiding personal attacks during arguments or discussions, which can destroy your trust in each other or chip away at your feelings of being loved and valued.
No matter how upset you feel, try to focus on the issues involved in a disagreement, not on who’s “right” or “wrong.” If you’re unhappy that your spouse doesn’t pay the bills on time, don’t accuse him or her of being lazy or neglectful. Instead you might say, “I’m concerned about how late we’re paying our bills. This could affect our ability to buy a house someday.” Or, “I’ve noticed that we’ve had a lot of late charges on our bills. Do we need to work out a better system for making sure these get paid on time?”
8. Make sure each of you has some privacy and independence.
In the early stages of a romance couples may want to do almost everything together. But over time, most couples realize that each person needs room to grow and develop, not just as part of a couple, but as an individual.
In practical terms, this means that each member of the couple needs time alone or with friends away from the other. Allowing each other some independence is a way of giving your relationship room to “breathe” and showing that you respect another’s unique needs and interests.
9. Share rituals and traditions.
Almost every successful relationship involves some cherished rituals and traditions that help to bind a couple together. Some couples share daily rituals, such as eating dinner together or talking before bedtime, even if one person is traveling and the conversation takes place by phone. Others enjoy weekly rituals such as going to religious services or to a favorite restaurant every Friday night. Still others have annual traditions such as holding a Fourth of July barbecue or attending a special holiday concert.
These activities help couples to define their values and can become a kind of emotional glue that holds them together. The specific rituals you choose aren’t as important as whether yours have a meaning and importance for you and your partner. You might want to adapt the favorite traditions of both of your families, create some new ones, or use a combination of both.
10. Have fun.
No matter how hard they work, couples who stay together usually make time for fun. Some set aside one night a week for a “date” with each other even if you just go out for pizza or for a moonlit walk. What you do isn’t important, what’s important is that you spend time together having fun.
In order to keep having fun as a couple, you’ll need to keep re-evaluating your definition of “fun.” If you aren’t enjoying your life together as much as you used to, you may want to take up a new interest or activity that the two of you can share, such as a hobby, a sport, or a volunteer project. You don’t have to have the same interests, but try to find at least one thing that you can enjoy together.
Most strong relationships include at least some of the 10 characteristics listed above. You and your partner can make building a strong relationship a priority by working these tips and characteristics into your everyday lives.